Sunday, 11 September 2011

Budget Barbershop Windows

"Hi, can I get my hair cut please?"

"Certainly sir, can I recommend a Style Cut?"

"Not sure I know what that is. Sounds current though."

"It is sir. Women these days go for a man who has Style. A Style Cut will demonstrate that you have Style. In fact, Style Cuts have become so popular, we've helpfully printed out and laminated a selection of haircuts to create our Style For Men gallery you see in the window."

"Oh wow, those guys look very cool."

Tuesday, 6 September 2011


Actually, an honest garnish I'm okay with. I've long come to terms with the fact that the purpose of a garnish may be for flavour, or for aesthetic qualities. It can, and often does, provide an element of both. Again, this I'm cool with too. Until, that is, this ambiguity is exploited...

It was lunchtime and I was hungry. I wandered into The Co-op and headed for the 'lunch section'. Now I'm a big fan of Coronation Chicken. The mild curry powder and sweet raisins work together wonderfully, in a way that says, "You've done four hours work, so treat yourself. But don't get carried away. You've still got four hours left."

Suddenly I recoiled in horror. What was going on with that over-sized garnish? Had they taken the Lamb's Lettuce and Green Batavia out of the baguette (where it should've been) and tried to pass it off as a garnish-come-ingredient? Oh god, they had. I can't think of a better way to ruin lunchtime than to insert lettuce along the length of a creamy baguette with my finger, trying to ensure an even distribution.

If you want to add a garnish, add a garnish. Just don't do this.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

'Summer' 2011

Saving my holiday for the winter slopes meant I didn't even escape. My birthday weekend was a washout. Lovebox was a washout. SW4 was a washout. I don't usually gripe about the weather but this summer was the first time I've looked at puddles with such disdain.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Maintenance Mysteries

How does a spare railway sleeper come to be beside a railway line? Is it company protocol just to leave them there? Or did a lazy employee really expect no one to notice such a large, angular hunk of hardwood, left within a few feet of the railway line? Both these answers seem implausible, yet I can't think of any more.

When I first noticed the sleeper, I paid little attention. After all, a railway sleeper alongside a railway line kind of makes sense. But four minutes of reflection while the train waited at a signal, at the same time every morning, for two years, really focused my mind on how naive I'd been and how I'd like this mystery solved.

Friday, 19 August 2011

Divorced Dad Anthems

Did your parents break up? If so, you probably remember sitting in the back of your dad's car after he'd picked you up on a bright Saturday morning. He was wearing stonewashed jeans and sunglasses and playing music you'd never heard while your parents were still together. This music helped him through a difficult period but, for you, was the sound of change. These are Divorced Dad Anthems.

Here's a playlist. Have a browse.

If you have a Divorced Dad Anthem you'd like added to the playlist, just let me know. For the playlist link, click here.

Monday, 8 August 2011

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Daily Star Phone Polls

Do you really mean all new British jobs? Oh, the actual question is below. I was confused there by the CAPITAL QUESTION TITLE.

Don't want Christmas cancelled? Don't want to face your bed towards Mecca? Got £1.99? PHONE HERE.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Poor Playground Planning

"Okay guys, we've got the budget and space for one more fixture in this playground. The options are a swing, a roundabout or a zigzag metal thing that kids can try and walk across without twisting their ankle."

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Hip Hop Video Gender Ratio

"Hello ladies, thanks for coming to my party! Let me take your coats. Now before you go in, I must apologise for the severe lack of guys that have turned up. In fact, there's only me and a couple of friends. I'm well aware that nobody likes a party with a ratio this bad and I feel terrible about it. I did try to invite an equal number of girls and guys and am even tempted to call the whole thing off, to be honest. Again, really sorry!"

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Polite Notices

You've taken my money and put me in this state. I'm not about to act as some sort of intermediary between you and the council.